Bundle of (Pain-inflicting) Joy

It never really occurred to me how much pain a small adorable baby could inflict on a grown adult person.  I’m not talking about the pain of giving birth, either.  That bit was pretty obvious to me.  Nor am I talking about the emotional pain one might experience from a tough delivery or from postpartum depression.  No, I’m talking about the actual physical pain inflicted on you by a small and innocent baby that is trying to figure out how gravity works,  not understanding his own strength when colliding with your more “delicate” parts.  If you have ever had a 9 month old on your person for more than 10 minutes, chances are you have experiences one of the following…

  • Charlie horse on the calf or inner thigh…This occurs pretty much any time you are holding a baby 6 months or older.  They wiggle and squirm and with their little legs, as they are trying to re-position or get away from you, bam! they shove a foot into your thigh.   Monks very rarely likes to sit still (hmm? that’s surprising), but the days approaching his first year birthday, he was always on the move.  Especially, when he was tired, he was always trying to climb on me, stepping on my inner thighs and calves. With his little sturdy feet digging into my flesh, he pushes up and wraps his arms around my neck.  It’s pain and pleasure all at the same time.
  • Elbow in the eye socket…occurs mostly when I’m least expecting it.  One moment he is calm and relaxed and then instantly he flails his arms and I end up getting it the eye.  Just the other day, I got pimp slapped out of the blue.
  • Head butt to the nose, cheek bones, tooth…pretty much anywhere from the neck up.  A lot of the times, its one right after the other with no chance to recovery from the first blow.  Sometimes I imagine the scenario when I show up to the emergency room with a broken nose and the doctors start to question me about my husband.  “no, doctor, it was just an accident.  I have a very strong one year old who thinks its fun to snap his head backwards as fast as possible.” The amazing part is, Monks isn’t even phased by the blows.  He just laughs and keeps coming at me like it’s the funnest game ever.
  • kick in the groin….no need to explain how this happens.  Though this one is especially hard on the men for obvious reasons, it is still quite painful for the ladies.
  • Bite on the face…  I thought I was getting a slobbery kiss, but he let some teeth sneak past and applied a bit too much pressure to be considered sweet. I only really let this happen once.  You gotta nip it in the bud quickly.
  • nail scratching on the arms, legs, face, basically, anywhere the kid can get his hand on you… As my sister describes it, it’s like getting tiny little paper cuts all over your body.  I know what you’re thinking.  “Isn’t this kind of your fault for not trimming his nails?”  No! it’s not.  Even the next day, after cutting them, he can manage to dig in and scratch me.   Monks has a habit of resting his foot on your leg when his is in his highchair being feed.  This alone is perfectly fine until… he starts literally digging his big toe into my knee.  Ahhh! soooo annoying.
  • Breast and nipple soreness… Nope, not from breast feeding.  from being stepped on by a little guy who is totally excited to be playing and standing on the bed while still trying to find his balance.
  • Punch in the stomach….as he tries to lift himself up using me for support, it’s like a deep tissue massage that takes your breath away.
  • Book and toy trauma….recently, Monks has decided that everything he picks up needs to be discarded ‘with gusto’.  Usually, the object of his attention for that 2 seconds gets tossed behind him, mostly landing somewhere on me.  When I am sitting in the playpen enclosure while I am pumping, Monks loves to sit next to me and start emptying out his basket of toys until every last toy has been evicted.  All these toys are getting tossed on me. The worst are the books and the beautiful wooden toys.  Yeah! We thought we were such good parents providing him with things that would inspire and nurture his imagination.  That still might be the case, but I didn’t realize how painful it would be.  I swear, next time, it’s only stuffed animals and rubber books. (Seriously, Someone should really invent rubber books!).

bundle of joy

I’m not sure if this is a common issue with all kids, or we just got lucky.  I often wonder if its the same with baby girls.  Recently, I asked a mother who has a little girl the same age as Monks if she was experiencing the same “activities”.  She thought about it for a second and then said “not really?”, I think she thought I was kidding.

My guess is that it is not the same.  Little boys are like little trains that keep plowing through everything and anything that gets in there way no matter what the wreckage they leave behind.  Little bundles of energy!  Someone recently called my ‘supermom’ because you need to have super strength to keep up with a little boy.  I guess, I know what my workouts will be for the next couple of years

Of course, I am happy to have these issues.  It means I have a strong and healthy baby boy and I could not be more blessed.  We just need to wear protective gear for the next few years is all.